THE FALLEN ONES

My brain tells me to walk away but yet my heart tells me to stay,  who do i follow? I dont understand why she gets so angry and starts swearing whenever I try to talk to her about the whole thing, maybe its because shes stressed from all the pressure that she has on her back? Surprisingly all the heartaches has stopped so that's good, hopefully its not because I have chose to not care for her anymore, Nah I doubt so, I think I've grown to understand the situation that she's in.  I keep asking myself how long more do I suffer before I leave this relationship, honestly i don't even know if this is a relationship anymore. We barely even communicate, you're too busy with work. One day you'll definitely regret writing all those shitty things you said to me last night, although i doubt that day will come so soon. Once you get all the money, power and position that you so desperately yearn for you will realize that none of it really matters. 

You've gotten too close to my heart. My soft spot for you has grown bigger day by day, and the time that I have left with you is getting lesser. You're different. You've seen almost every single side of me and yet you are still here standing beside me, I love you. 

I love you. But I have no idea how you feel about me, and if we became lovers how different would our friendship be? I do not ever want to lose you, you truly mean the world to me. I've been hurt so many time, I've almost lost faith in love that would last forever.  I'm afraid to lose our friendship, just to be together. Not sure if I should tell you? Or just let it be.

Just a few months ago if you what me what I thought about love,  I'd most probably answer I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners.  Truth is, love is giving her half of your fries when she said she was not hungry. It's giving her the quickest reply as possible just because you are so eager to know how her day went. Trying to embarrass one another in public. It is going out on "Adventures", and making fun of each other. It's the stupid fights that we argue about which would never lead to a proper conclusion. Love isn't pretty and romantic. Love is just stumbling around the world with your best friend.

I fear that I am going to lose you anytime now, falling in love with you might either bring me eternal happiness or it might turn us into strangers. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but you must truly believe me that falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Man, this hurts. I know I am most probably going to look back at this post in the far future and most probably cringe at myself, but I am really hurt right now and this is the only place that can help me slowly get over it. I hope "you" never read this.

Its August 31st, here am i sitting on my bed wondering into the oblivion  thinking whats wrong with myself. Relationships are officially my biggest fears, I mean its so flipping scary to invest all your emotions into someone. No matter how good things are or how in love you are, your significant other could always just loose feelings for you and be done just like that. The worst part is you do not have a single sense of control over any of that.

Is it  bad for me to think that being in a relationship isn't all about making out, hooking up, and having sex all the time. I mean i understand that most people think it is, but its just i believe that being in a relationship would mean something much more, like going over to her house and watching movies, trying out challenges,  stuff our tummies and fall asleep alot. I truly believe that relationship is all about making one another feel happy instead of just satisfying our personal needs.

Honestly, Its not that I fear falling in love. I am in love with many things in this world, I love animals, I love my family, I love my food, I love myself, I love earth and the universe, I might even fall in love with you someday.  I am not avoiding it. But however what I do fear is falling so deeply In love with someone and investing my life into theirs, only to discover that they dont feel the same way or lied about who they really were. To me, that is how you die while still breathing, and its so hard to pull yourself out of a heartbreak and depression. The truth is that you're never going to really know if you're falling for the wrong person until it's too late, that's what i am afraid of.

If you're In a relationship and you see the mutual feeling between the both is slowly decreasing, until it reaches the point where its just almost one sided, do you just give up? or put in more effort and expect change? Because honestly, I wish I knew the answer right now. What if you give up and later on  the person changes, or what if you put in so much of effort and at the end the person is still the same, I learnt that hardly anyone's ever "busy" you just arent their priority. I personally feel that wasting someones time is the most awful thing anyone can ever do, because time cant be bought or made , so dont waste your time caring for someone who doesnt care about you, and also dont waste others people time caring for you if you dont care about yourself in the first place.

I miss you so much and It sucks so badly, I never felt so insecure before. Yes I understand you are busy and stressed out with college, and thats why i am here writing this, I dont want to bother you with more silly problems. I wish I wasn't so clingy, I wish I could give you more space instead of giving those instant replies, I guess its just who I am. I truly hope I change. 

22/6/2017
Today, I had a really bad day. I am not writing this to complain about how shitty my day was, I am not writing this to bring negativity into your life. Instead the reason i am writing this is because I wanna look back and show myself how far I have came, and that I never give up.

Its currently 4am in the morning and i cant sleep, what do i feel? Lost, Sad, and Lied upon.

I woke up today more excited than any other day, my heart filled with  happiness as i felt so complete. But why am i going to bed with this sense of lost, and sadness in my heart?

" It takes two hands to Clap" I've heard this phrase over a hundred times, repeating in my head. I wake up and its the first thing I remind myself of, So i put all my effort to try to make my life better. And it worked everything was perfect, well almost but I sincerely appreciated it. Just as I thought all these effort I had kept in was worth it, it all comes crumbling down. Indeed maybe it does take  two hands to clap.

After a relationship one stays loyal and deals with the damage while the other is in another relationship. I mean thats the cycle of a relationship isnt it? Strangers to friends then to best friend then to a girlfriend/boyfriend and it comes back down to friend and strangers, except its just strangers with memories this time.

The storm wont last for ever, and after the storm comes a beautiful rainbow. The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just scream straight into the pillow hoping someone is there to comfort you. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to be silent. The one where you find it hard to breath. The one where you can feel the pain in your chest as if every single line of muscle in your heart is tearing.The one when you realize everything you worked for is gone.

The irony is that I'm never shocked when people let me down nowadays. I just absolutely hate the fact that I put myself In a position to be  let down in the first place.

I am writing this because truth to be told, I have no one. The people I trusted screwed me over. As much as I feel like I should  just open the window and jump off, I know that I must never give up. This pain the significant other has created will one day go away, and everything will be perfect. It hurts so bad emotionally that I can feel it physically, how i hope that  there's someone right beside me who can care for me, show me love, and tell me everything going to be alright.  But truth to be told is that there's no one.

The saddest end to a relationship is one where you have to break up with somebody when you're still in love with them. It sounds crazy but it happens, because the truth is,  sometimes you continue to love someone no matter how much they have hurt you.

I dont really want to continue this blog anymore, not because I am tired but because i am really broken.
Goodnight